10 Secret Turn-On’s for Men Who Want to Know
Hey guys, I know you sometimes feel
mystified by what is desired from you.
And it’s not like I can clear all
that up in a few simple words.
Hell, I’m pretty sure we’ve been
working on this one since the dawn of time.
But I’m also pretty sure we’re
starting to get somewhere with all this.
Men and women have never before had
quite the opportunity we have right now to build a whole new way of relating.
A new way, based on some pretty old
truths, mixed with some brand-spankin’-new ideas.
I may be a dreamer, but I say
there’s a chance we can get past the wounding you and I have both endured, and
grow into shared desire, honesty, truth, and trust.
Here are a few steps to start you on
your journey down that sometimes challenging, always rewarding, path.
For the duration of this article,
you may want to imagine your lover speaking these words to you.
(If you want confirmation of the
veracity of these claims, ask for her feedback.)
Or if it’s more entertaining for you, you can pretend I’m your lover, and that we’re sitting somewhere comfortable and having a sweet conversation.
Ready?
Here are ten secret turn-ons that
may change your life forever.
Turn-On # 1: Presence is Everything
Get totally present.
Allow this moment, right here, right
now, to be the only thing happening in the whole of time and space.
Just for now let the world fall away
around us.
This state of grace only lasts a
moment at a time, but that moment goes a long way towards filling a well that
we both want to drink from.
Take the time, and let’s let the
levels rise together.
This focus is a great way to greet
me when we haven’t seen each other all day… or before we part ways in the
morning.
First thing when we wake up… last
thing before we fall asleep... or all of the above.
Turn-On # 2: Noticing, or Paying
Attention
When you notice what I like, it
makes me feel seen and cared for.
In or out of bed.
When you let me know that I’ve
changed my hair, or that the pants I’m wearing look hot, or that I look like I
could use a hug, it makes me feel proud, relieved, happy, grateful that I chose
YOU.
When you notice how I like my coffee
– and prepare it for me perfectly without even thinking twice – I feel worshiped.
When you figure out that I don’t
like soft, repetitive strokes on the hand, but I love strong hugs from behind,
it makes me feel understood.
Big bonus points to you if I never
have to whisper a word to you about it, and you figure it out on your own.
After all, that’s what noticing is
about.
Of course, you asking what I like is
also super sexy, and makes me feel honored too.
Take the time and attention to
notice me.
I’ll do the same for you, and let’s
see what happens.
Turn-On # 3: Showing me Gratitude
When you show me that you’re
thankful I chose you, it makes my heart soar.
When you tell me you’re grateful
that you get to go to bed with me, and wake up next to me, I feel nourished.
When you tell me you’re proud to be
seen with me, I feel claimed by you.
And as transgressive as it might be
for a feminist to say, I kinda love it when you claim me.
When you tell me you’re grateful
that I’m such a good mom to our kids, I feel touched and relieved.
When you show your gratitude by
fully parenting them with me, I feel like I won the partner lottery.
Remember to say thank you for
the small things.
Gratitude for those everyday, tiny,
repetitive things we do a million times without thinking about it makes all the
difference.
When I do the laundry, a thanks makes
it less of a chore.
When you do the laundry, I’ll do my
best to always remember to thank you too.
Gratitude is one of the keys to
sustained love, as well as being essential to health and well being.
Let’s cultivate it together, and
feel the sweetness that comes.
Turn-On # 4: Confidence
Confidence is sexy.
You’ve heard it a million times.
I don’t mean the posturing that
often stands in for true confidence; I mean things like willingness to try,
adaptability, and reliability.
When I say I want you to take control,
I mean it.
When I tell you that I want you to
make the choice, that’s really what I want. .
When you don’t believe me… my trust
in our relationship falters.
If I can’t trust you to trust me, I
know that there might be a deeper problem.
I know it’s a wound we’re working
our way through as a culture.
Fifteen years ago women weren’t
supposed to ask for help, and men weren’t supposed to offer it.
Well, the times they are a-changing
– again!
Even as a woman who can still handle
it all – if that’s required – I want to be taken care of sometimes.
Sometimes I want you to drive.
And sometimes I don’t want to have
to say it at all.
I just want you to take the wheel.
Turn-On # 5: Vulnerability
Vulnerability is not the opposite of
confidence, as some men seem to assume.
I see your willingness to be
vulnerable with me as a huge statement of confidence.
And, it makes me want to support
you, and take care of you.
Not in some mommy’s boy way, but in
this, “Oh, wow, he trusts me!” way.
Not only that, it makes me trust you.
If you’re willing to get vulnerable
with me, I’m going to be less guarded with you.
And you never know what fantastic
places that could lead us to.
Trust that I can support you in the
moments where you need to be held, listened to, or even just to vent.
Trust that I’ll still be here when
you’re through it.
And as you trust more, so will I
trust you.
Turn-On # 6: Honesty and
Transparency
Scarier words are rarely spoken,
right?
But how are you going to get what
you want, if you can’t, don’t, or won’t ask for it?
Speaking our desires is the first
step to getting them fulfilled.
And, when you speak your truth, you
allow me to do the same.
You never know; that fantasy you’ve
been holding back on sharing might be just the one I’m dying to explore.
Let me tell you a secret; I like it
dirty, and I like it rough.
I also like it gentle, and loving,
and sweet.
If I trust you enough, there aren’t
many topics that are point-blank off limits.
Make it possible for me to trust you, and we’re very likely to go some amazing places.
Your honesty is what cements my
trust.
And, it would be less than honest of
me to leave this part out; there’s another part of transparency that’s really
important to me.
If I ask what you’re thinking, or
feeling, or what’s wrong, please don’t say “Oh, nothing,” when it’s really
something.
I’ll be the first to admit that this
kind of thing makes me, quite literally, crazy.
If you don’t give me the low-down
when something’s up, as you probably already know, I’m going to think up some
kind of crazy story about what’s behind your silence.
Any story I make up is very likely
to be much worse than whatever it is you’re not sharing.
Whatever the truth is, it’s better
than confusion or paranoia.
So spit it out!
We’ll both be in a better place for
it.
This courageous act will save both
of us a lot of misunderstanding and frustration.
And it’ll save me a lot of hurt,
wondering, and heart-ache.
And you know what’s awesome about
this more challenging part of honesty?
Once the air is cleared, we can get
back to the yummy stuff, which is where both of us really want to be anyway.
Right?
Turn-On # 7: Face Fear Head-On
Always be willing to face any fears
that come up, whether they’re mine, yours, or ours.
Be willing to go deeper with me, and
work through the fear.
Maybe not all at once, but over
time.
In bed or out, we all have fears
that arise around letting each other in, trusting, independence versus
intimacy, personal power versus shared experience.
When you get scared, remember that I
get scared, too.
One thing you can be sure about is
that getting scared is common ground – we’ve all been there!
Bring it to me in a way that works
for you, and I promise to do my best not to make you wrong, hurt you, or close
you down.
Turn-On # 8: Responsiveness
In bed or out, paying attention
becomes a worthwhile practice when you respond appropriately to the information
you gather.
That doesn’t mean doing what you
think is supposed to come next.
It means actually paying attention as
you respond, and honing your response to meet my desire.
Sounds complicated, but it gets
easier when you get present in the moment!
There’s no playbook for life, or for
our interactions.
No step 1, step 2, step 3 mentality
is going to work in every situation.
Instead of trying to commit some
“play book” to memory, invest your time in learning to read me.
And then do whatever comes
naturally.
Let’s both give our interactions as
much thought as that and we’ll find our way.
Turn-On # 9: Sharing
Responsibilities
In sex, that means doing your part
regarding safety, birth control, and shared pleasure.
In life it means parenting with me,
housekeeping with me, making decisions with me; not around me, or to me.
It means making goals and building
dreams with me, and rooting that process in the nitty-gritty, day-to-day work
of it.
Sharing responsibility sometimes
means taking control of the situation.
Sometimes it means allowing me to.
And often, it means us coming
together and working it out, in a way that makes sense to both of us.
And, Big Turn-On # 10! Be Willing to
Cultivate and Invest in Love Through It All
When my ex-husband and I separated a
number of years ago, I loved my way through it.
It wasn’t always easy, but now that
I know I can do that, I know I can love through anything.
Even when I’m angry at you, I can
find the love I have for you within and around the anger.
Even when I’m hurt, scared, and
tired of the bullshit, I can still find, connect with, and foster that love.
(And if I can’t, then something
might really be wrong.)
Practice may not make this one
perfect, but it gets you there.
Loving through the annoyance, anger,
frustration, and pain is something that can become a natural response.
Remember, I am loving you.
Love me, too.
If we can pull that off, I’m pretty
sure we’ll be able to make this thing work.
This article first appeared at elephant journal.
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